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Kohli Applies For BCCI Presidency

Recently demoted white-ball Indian skipper, Virat Kohli, has formally applied for the top job in Indian cricket and consequently sent shivers down the spines of the most powerful cricket board on the planet.


Although the role was only recently occupied by Sourav Ganguly, and neither is the position available, Kohli took to Instagram to first announce his desired ascension. Since then, he’s released a formal statement through his primary Kohli-brand sponsors, MRF tyres & WROGN clothing. 
Extract: 
For sheer comfort and long life, I’ll be using MRF Tyres to drive to the BCCI headquarters this afternoon to submit my official application to be BCCI President. Just like a car doesn’t move without tyres, I am the tyres of Indian cricket, not just any tyres – MRF tyres. I’m all four baby. I am all four tyres on this car, so if you think by dropping the King, Indian cricket is going to move anywhere, you’re WROGN. 

Speaking exclusively to Square Peg, we asked incumbent president, Sourav Ganguly what he thought of the landmark event in the case Kohli was able to lead an international cricket board while concurrently representing its national team.

“Well, looks like I’ll have to drop this bloke from Tests now too”, said a stern Ganguly. 
“I mean, really? For fucks sake. I had a heart attack two months into this gig, went through coronary bypass surgery and still managed to control the cricket in this country from my hospital bed, with straw stapled to my mouth and a tube shoved up my ass. Does this fuckwit really think I’m going to bend over and watch him remake Brokeback Mountain?” Continued, an unsettled Ganguly. 
“Anyway, I’m feeling a sharp pain in my chest just talking about this shit. In summary: Kohli is now dropped from the test team. There’s your new headline”, asserted Ganguly, before being rushed away to a nearby hospital. 
Square Peg reached out to Kohli, via text, for comment on Ganguly’s response to his intentions. 
“The plan’s already working (winking emoji)”, the return text read. 

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India Draw With India in India

Stand-in India captain, Ajinkya Rahane, spectacularly claimed at the post-match press conference that India had in fact won the first test match of the 2-test series, despite the scorebook recording a draw. 



The in-form captain, but horribly out-of-form cricketer, considered there to be 15 Indians on the field at the close of play, meaning India had actually won the test. 

“The guy’s name is Rachin for fucks sake! His parents named him after Rahul Dravid and Sachin Tendulkar. One of those people is our current coach! Personally, I feel Kiwi around this guy”, Rahane stressed. 

“And the other guy’s born in Mumbai. There are 4 players in the Indian team set up with the exact same last name”

“1-0, India, I say.”

While Rahane wasn’t incorrect, It needs to be said, both Kiwi cricketers had spent all of their adolescent and adult life in the Pacific nation. We approached one of the cricketers in question for a comment on the allegation that they were more Indian than New Zealander.
Celebrating the “draw” in true Kiwi style, we found left-arm orthodox bowler, Ajaz Patel, enjoying Vada Pav (a traditional Mumbai snack) at the Hotel restaurant in Kanpur. Curious as to how he was able to get the local Maharashtrian snack, the chunky spinner informed us that he owns multiple properties in Dadar and Chembur (small localities within Mumbai).
“Oh is this interview for Zee? I love Zee!” 
“Amchi Mumbai! – HA – HA”, Patel laughed. 
(“Amchi Mumbai” – a patriotic call for local Mumbaikers. The literal translation being: Our Mumbai) 
After informing Mr. Patel that we weren’t working for any media outlet specifically, the Daniel Vettori protege seemed to alleviate his trust in us, stating that he was hanging around the hotel restaurant because he’d heard superstar cricketer and Mumbai legend, Sachin Tendulkar had been spotted in the vicinity. 
To avoid deviating from the real story, we repeated the outrageous allegations earlier made by Rahane that India had won the test match because the two New Zealand batsmen at the crease were really Indians posing as Kiwis. 
Ajaz spoke in frustration, “now that’s bullshit. I can’t speak for Sachin, I mean Rachin but I can certainly say I am wholeheartedly Kiwi. I’ve bought every Crowded House album to exist. I can speak Maori and I’ve got a sheep farm! Not to mention, I’ve spent the last 20 years in the country! What else do you want?!”
The spinner asked, in fluent Marathi. 

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English and Australian Fan Says India Are Flat Track Bullies 

In response to the Indian cricket team’s recent 3-0 drubbing of the Blackcaps, some fans took to social media to express their disgust in India’s continuous home advantage. We hit the streets to interview one fan from England and another from Australia. 


In Northern England, on the lush green banks of the River Aire, we sat down for a cup of tea at the Yorkshire County Cricket Club with Richard Billington, to discuss his worldly views on the game. 


“But can these people win in
foreign conditions? Now, that’s the real question. Isn’t it?” Asks Lord Billington.

 

We pointed out that the Indian team’s
recent test tour of England stands at 2-1. With the home team standing defeated
at The Oval and Lords, with one test to play, Richard wasted little time in
correcting our imposition. 

 

“That doesn’t count.” 

 

“Have you been to London
recently?”, he asks rhetorically. 

 

“It’s practically little India –
HA-HA-HA – by jolly.” 

 

“Now, don’t let my humour get in
the way of the real story here”. 


The Leeds local seemed to
go into some sort of monologue. 

 

“Listen, I’m no racist. I’ve got
plenty of ethnics as friends” 

 

“Just stop winning at home is
all I’m saying. It’s not a good look for the game. Otherwise, we’ll have to go
back to pre-1947 and show you how to play properly…again”

 

“Jokes – HE-HE-
HOO-HOO-HA-HA”, the Yorkshire faithful giggled to himself, as he sipped
more of his chai. 

 



On the other side of Earth in sunny Brisbane, we spoke with long time
Brisbane Heat and The Hundred supporter, Macca Mckenzie, about his recent
tweet:

 

 

3-0? Pfft. See you at the Gabba!

 

“I’ve been watching cricket
since day dot mate. We’ve had some pretty good teams in the past, but the
current crop, well, they’re the real Invincibles. You tikka masalas
ain’t beating the Aussies ever, let alone in Australia. LET ALONE AT THE
GABBATOIR!”, Macca yells, as he chugs his XXXX Gold can, before crushing and
hurling it at my face. 

 

Turns out Macca was on a trucking
retreat in Kuta earlier in the year.