Fox: Are you excited for Rabbitland Day?
Possum: Why would I be? I’m not a rabbit. I’m a possum, and this land was previously possum land.
Rabbit: But now it’s Rabbitland. And Rabbitland is here for all animals to enjoy, regardless of species. You should have fun on Rabbitland day.
Possum: But why call it Rabbitland?
Fox: Lets call it “Animal Land” instead.
Rabbit: Nah I’m good. “Rabbitland” works.
Possum: Meh, even if we did call it “Animal Land,” what’s the point? There’s still a rabbit on the national flag. We still have rabbit-speak as the official language. We still use the rabbit legal system. Even if we change the name, and let other animals live here, the place is still a Rabbitland anyway. It’s not a possum land anymore, and I feel sad forever and ever. Hmmm.
Rabbit: Well fucken oath it’s a Rabbitland. I’m a rabbit, and the rabbits won the Rabbit-Possum wars. Suck eggs cunt.
Possum: Sorry what?
Fox: Come on Mr Rabbit, don’t be a douche.
Rabbit: Am I supposed to feel bad that rabbits won the Rabbit-Possum wars? Am I supposed to feel bad that the possums didn’t manage to deport us rabbits en masse? Did you like what the blue cunts in the Avatar movie did to the humans? Yous all fapped over that didn’t you?
Fox: Ummm….
Rabbit: And that would’ve been best case losing scenario. Worst case losing scenario is the Possums killed our rabbit men and took our rabbit women, like how they did to each other in their possum tribal wars.
Possum: I have no idea what you mean by “tribal wars.” The wars only began when rabbits arrived.
Rabbit: Bullshit cunt. Time for some “truth-telling.” Why was it tradition for every male possum to get initiated as a warrior and trained how to murder? Did yous actually have a 100% conscription rate? Lol yous did ay. Holy shit! Who were yous fighting against for the past 60,000 years?
Possum: Ummm…
Rabbit: What happened when a possum mob population grew too large and exceeded it’s area food capacity? Would you just let your mob starve? Or did you try and steal food resources from a neighbouring possum mob? Rhetorical question cunt. Or maybe yous practiced birth control to prevent massive population growth, and that’s why your population was only one million when the rabbits rocked up here?
Possum: Maybe we did practice birth control?
Rabbit: Get fucked. There was no birth control, only death control, and you inflicted it on eachother non-stop for 60,000 years, just like everyone else on Earth. This is history 101, this is truth-telling 101. Subjective opinion is that your land was stolen. Objective reality is that the rabbit mob came and beat you at the same Darwinian game of survival your possum mobs had been playing for the past 60,000 years. Morally, I am no better or worse than you. There was never a moral discrepancy between us, only a power discrepancy.
Fox: Well, that was quite a rant. Are you going to at least compensate possums for their losses? With power comes responsibility.
Rabbit: Ummm, are YOU going to compensate the Possums Mr Fox? Are you going to give them back the land that Rabbits took on your behalf? You’re doing just as well out of Rabbitland as I am cunt, why do I have to do all the compensating?
Possum: Because it was the rabbits who fought the war, and you’re a rabbit.
Rabbit: Since when do the winners of a war compensate the losers? Lol. Imagine the axis powers in 1946 telling the allies to pay up. Lol you’re taking the piss mate, it’s supposed to be the other way around. But that’s fine, no need to compensate me. Like I said, you’re welcome to live in Rabbitland, Rabbitland is here for all the animals to enjoy.
Possum: That’s not good enough.
Fox: Mr Rabbit, there is much more to Rabbitland than just rabbits. Why not expand our horizons? “Animal Land” could bring out the best in all animals, including rabbits.
Rabbit: Fuck “Animal Land.” Rabbitland already brings out the best in animals, when they stop their whingeing and focus on being good rabbits.
Possum: I’m not a rabbit bro.
Fox: But we’re not rabbits, and we’re not going to stop whingeing.
Rabbit: Ok I’ll make yous a deal. We can rename this place “Animal Land” and change some rules, but only if the original rabbit lands where rabbits sailed from, are to be allocated as “Indigenous Rabbitland.” Other animals can live back there, but they must play by Rabbit rules. In return, the rabbits who live everywhere else will play by “Animal Land” rules, whatever the fuck that means. If it turns to shit, I can just move back to “Indigenous Rabbitland.” We rabbits will respect indigenous Possum rights, if indigenous rabbit rights are respected back in our European indigenous rabbit lands. Deal?
Fox: You mean Rabbits are going to claim indigenous rights in their European ancestral rabbit homelands? Where they lived for tens of thousands of years? That’s racist. That’s “blood and soil.” You can’t do that. You’re a Nazi.
Rabbit: “Blood and Soil” is literally what indigenous rights are, dickhead. It’s also what modern Japan is. It’s what modern Korea is. I don’t see you whiningly about Japan and Korea cunt. If they’re allowed to do it, rabbits will be allowed to do it back in the rabbit homelands. It doesn’t mean you guys can’t live there, it just means that when you’re there, you follow our rules, and you don’t whinge about there being too many rabbits. You don’t seek to replace rabbits with your weirdo diversity ratios. You don’t whinge when indigenous rabbits make indigenous rabbit films about indigenous rabbit stories, and funnily enough, only cast indigenous rabbits. You don’t come up with annoying rules about what type of haircuts rabbits are allowed to have, what kind of clothes rabbits are allowed to wear, what kind of music and art rabbits are allowed to make, what kind of indigenous rabbit statues we want to erect in our rabbit town squares. You even let us impersonate the voices of other animals, as we see fit. If our rabbit culture involves giving informal nicknames to other animals, so be it. If you choose to live in indigenous Rabbitland you will accept our rabbit culture, or fuck off elsewhere.
Possum: Wow, you sound quite triggered there, Mr Rabbit. Doesn’t feel nice being replaced in your indigenous homeland, does it now?
Rabbit: No it doesn’t. I can see why you suffer from mental anguish, Mr Possum.
Fox: Mr Rabbit, I’m not sure if you Rabbits can be trusted with indigenous control of your own homelands. You might wake up one morning as Nazis, and decide to try and conquer the whole world.
Rabbit: Mr Fox, you’re attributing the most extreme characteristics of bad rabbits to all rabbits there, which is grossly unfair. It’s actually rabbit-phobic. With all due respect, fuck off. If you’re going to respect indigenous possum rights, you need to respect indigenous rabbit rights as well. This is not an unreasonable request. I am not an extremist.
Fox: How can I be sure you’re not an extremist?
Rabbit: How can I be sure that every fox cunt isn’t planning to suicide bomb the rabbit town square? I can’t be sure, but i can say it’s statistically unlikely. Plus, I’m actually not a fox-phobic dumb cunt, so I give foxes the benefit of the doubt. It’s the right thing to do, please extend me that same courtesy. I like foxes. Don’t be a rabbit-phobic dumb cunt. Be consistent in your worldview. Let rabbits have an indigenous homeland. I’m up for the cosmopolitan lifestyle, but some other rabbits don’t want to live in a generic “Animal Land” and that should be respected. Those rabbits need an alternative.
Possum: You were an extremist at the start of this conversation! You probably still are…
Rabbit: I have evolved into a more balanced position, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to take any bullshit from you cunts. 50/50 split.
Possum: In that case, not all traditional Possum lands will be generic “Animal Land” either. Some of our indigenous possum land will be allocated as “Possums only.”
Fox: Um, Mr Possum, that actually comes across as a little bit racist…
Rabbit: Fucken oath it’s racist lol. It’s called “Native Title.” But that’s fair enough Mr Possum. Protect your ancient culture. Protect your ancient languages. Even protect your genetic distinctiveness, if you so wish. The Rabbit-Possum wars are over, and yous made it through. You brought your spears to a gun fight, and you actually fucking survived, that’s a good effort. This continent is big enough to share. This planet is big enough to share.
Possum: I’ll have all of the above in a treaty then thanks.
Rabbit: Righto let’s write it up.
Fox: A global balance of segregation and integration? Ethnocentric tribal zones balanced with cosmopolitan all-animal inclusion zones? Enshrined in a complex web of international/domestic law? Is that even possible? Sounds racist. You guys are racist. This is pure hatred. Hateful animals!
Rabbit: How else do you expect to preserve diversity, whilst simultaneously having a world that’s peaceful enough to travel around and enjoy that diversity? Our treaty proposition is a cosmopolitanisms dream.
Fox: It will all come undone! The rabbits will kill us all! They cannot be trusted with this arrangement! They are just inherently different creatures to all the other animals! There is something sinister in their genetic makeup! We need to dismantle their power wherever they are! They cannot be allowed to remain a majority in any jurisdiction! To fight the rabbits is to fight racism itself! Yes that’s right, we must target a specific race in order to be anti-racist! No irony there whatsoever!!!!!
Possum: Chill out, fox. Me and Mr Rabbit are onto something here. It’s my land yeah yeah
